my body rejects most of the feelings that come with running, both physically and mentally.
so often, while darting (or i really should say something more accurate like… lazily plopping one foot in front of the other at a 5.5 mph pace with what could be called humpetty form(not a word but it just sounds right so go with it)) along on the treadmill (and occasional outdoor trail) i get intense sensations of anger and hatred for what i am doing.
my legs feel strained after 2 minutes, it hurts to breath, and i get annoyed by everything.
oh and i sweat. it’s disgusting. i can go on the elliptical for an hour and, sure i’ll get slightly sweaty, but it’s nothing i ever really notice as being a lot. on the treadmill it’s a whole other story. by the end of a short thirty minutes my entire shirt is a sweat stain. This, in addition to already being in a negative mood because i’m running sometimes causes me to think irrational thoughts like, “I WANT TO KILL SWEAT.” the worst is when droplets fall into my eyeballs resulting in a blinking tantrum, which only further disrupts the peace within myself.
as much as i hate everything about running, that hate is also why i have come to love it. just stay with me here..
running is the most uncomfortable and painful situation i face multiple times a week. sure, there are moments of deeper physcial pain occasionaly if i accidentally fall, or burn myself, (or some other unpredictable injury), and there are occasional worse moments of mental pain that usually occur if i’m fighting with someone or feeling depressed, but by running i make the choice to “torture” myself for a good thirty minutes.
i figure that i should make the best out of these thirty horrible minutes so i put everything and anything that might piss me off, annoy me, and/or make me want to kill irrational things into these minutes.
i think about homework assignments that i haven’t done that are stressing me out, i think about people that i don’t like, i think about people that don’t like me, i think about things i wish i could change but can’t, or haven’t yet. i think about all the problems i see in the world. i think about the fact that nothing makes sense. i’m running on a treadmill that’s in a gym that’s grounded on a planet that’s supposedly floating in an infinite universe, a fact that is so mind-blowing i will never really understand it. i think about unfairness. here i am running for many reasons, one of them which is to stay relatively slim, while there are people dying from starvation. i think about ireland, and how much i’d kill to go back. i think about how frustrating it was that i slept through my two alarms set for this morning and woke up like a flustered idiot 19 minutes before class.
and sometimes, but only sometimes, on a lucky day, at the end of my run i get a few minutes of bliss.
it usually happens if by chance a song that produces strong emotions in me comes on as i finish up the jog. i’ll be running and realize i only have 4 minutes left, and the perfect song might be playing (for example, all these things that i’ve done, by the killers is a prime example) and at the i’ve got soul but i’m not a soldier part i’ll bump up the speed to 7 or 7.5 (or even 8 which is like a lot for me) and pound out the last few minutes as if they are all i have left. and i’ll realize i’ve gotten out all of my negative energy and for those brief moments there is no need to sprint away from the things that bother me, because i’ve (temporarily) conquered them, and i now have the ability to run after things i want, and i run, and i sprint, and i keep going, as if i could go on forever, and it is beautiful.
i run for that moment.
i also run for the floating sensation that sticks around for a good 15 minutes after i’m done. i run for the calirty i have for the rest of the day. i run because it keeps me in size 6 jeans. i run because it keeps my heart healthy and my legs toned. i run because life sucks, and painful moments can hit you in the face at any given moment, and having the power to at least control some of that makes me feel like i don’t need to be as afraid.